Letters From Readers

Q: After being a single parent for eight years, I got married last year. My new husband and I cannot agree on how to discipline my eight-year-old twin boys. I feel like my husband is too tough on the boys, and he says that I am too easy. Now we just seem to argue all the time about this situation, and it is starting to affect our marriage. What should I do? Signed, LC, St. Kitts

This is a discussion that you and your new husband should have made time for before saying “I do.” Even if the father of your sons is involved in their lives, your marriage is the beginning of life anew as a blended family unit, and this often requires some adjustments. Children become confused and in some cases begin to “act out” when they are not disciplined in a consistent fashion. With this in mind, you and your mate must reach an agreement about how the children will be raised and the role that he will play as their stepfather. Make sure that you are not letting love for your little ones or feelings of guilt cloud your judgment when it comes to disciplining your sons. While you and your new husband find a comfort zone regarding this issue, make sure that you do not disagree in front of the boys, as children understand the game of manipulation only too well. Once the two of you are clear on how this issue will be handled as a couple, have a family meeting and explain the house rules to the boys.

Q: My relationship of four years recently ended, and I don’t know what to do. I still care for my boyfriend, but our relationship just won’t work. We used to do everything together and we shared a lot of the same friends. I do not know who I am without him. This is a small island and I keep running into my ex-boyfriend, it hurts so much every time I see him. I miss him so much that I feel like begging him to take me back even though we broke up because he was involved with me and another woman at the same time. Signed, Lovesick, St. Vincent

The foundation for any healthy relationship begins by first loving and respecting yourself, and it is up to you to set standards about how you will allow men to treat you. You obviously do not enjoy the misery that comes from “man sharing” as you have already admitted that this relationship just wasn’t working for you. It is so easy to get comfortable being with someone even if the relationship is not totally fulfilling, but in the long run settling for an unhealthy relationship is simply not the answer. Remember, your identity should never be totally defined by the man in your life; a mate is supposed to simply complement you. Relationships tend to work best when you reveal and share your true self with the other person. It sounds as though you need to spend some time getting to know yourself before becoming involved in another relationship. Let your spirit heal and wait for real love to come knocking on your door.

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